Dear Nadine Khan,
I am a 44-year-old married man. I have been married for 16 years and have three children. My problem is my wife’s health. F has no apparent medical problems, but something happens to her at least two to three times per year. She just takes to bed, stops eating and becomes very weak. Her blood pressure becomes low as well. Our doctor ran some tests, but nothing is wrong. My mother and sisters think she puts on an act and nothing is wrong with her. They say F does this just to get away from work. Don’t get them wrong: we live in a joint family set-up, and we have a big house. My parents, my younger brother, a divorced sister and a widowed sister also live with us. Since they all have children, there are always fights over them and we have some housework related issues as well. That’s why my mother and sisters think F fakes it.
I, on the other hand, feel there is a problem because F is not that type of a person who shirk their duties. The thing is that she has no symptoms of any sort like fever or blood pressure. I just don’t know what to do. Any suggestions, Professor?
Worried Husband
Dear Worried Husband,
All health-related issues are not physical. Sometimes, when people cannot cope with their problems or work, they crash. A person, especially a woman living in a joint family, sometimes cannot take stress and since there is no physical manifestation of any symptoms, people think they are faking illness. Different people cope differently with environmental and social pressures. This coping mechanism depends on genetics, environment a person grows up in and social relationships faced by them. Children who has parental support and are close with their mothers have well-rounded personalities and when they grow up, they can cope with family pressures better than those who did not enjoy a good environment while growing up. This could be the case with your wife. F is probably facing issues related to her environment, genetics and her lack of ability to handle the pressure she is under. Having two sisters-in-law with children living in the same house cannot be easy. Your mother and sisters think she is faking it because of workload. So, the first thing you should do is to find out how much work your wife has to do. Could it be that she does not have a strong personality and she succumbs when it becomes too much for her? Genetics come into play when dealing with stress. F probably is a person that internalises everything and does not have the courage to say what she wants, or say no when she has had enough. Talk to her to find out the root cause of her problem. Get professional help, because F really needs to talk it out with someone. Sorry to say that, but your mother and sisters do not have any sympathy towards her, and F needs sympathetic ears to unburden her woes. So, my suggestion would be to consult a psychiatrist as soon as possible. Don’t worry; with professional help and your support, she will be better very soon. Good luck!
Dear Professor,
I am a 29-year-old married woman, and I live with my in-laws. My husband, H, is the eldest among his siblings, and is also the only son of my parents-in-law. They are very possessive about him and think I want my hubby to myself and drive him away from them, but the case is just the opposite. My father-in-law does not take his breakfast without H, and my mother-in-law does not have dinner without him. As for lunch, well, my husband is a banker, and is never home for lunch. On holidays, his married sisters come over, so I can’t even have a meal with him.
They have this strange habit of taking their meals in the bedroom. My job is to set the trolley and leave it in their bedroom. I have my meals by myself, and feel very left out. Since my husband’s timings are tough, I don’t get to spend a lot of time with him. I am becoming increasingly frustrated. This is not what I signed in for. I feel like an exalted servant, nothing more.
On top of that, my mother-in-law is very insecure. To make things bad for me, she complains to my husband about me in such a syrupy way that he thinks his mother is so caring that she wants to train me and I am ungrateful because I do not appreciate her attempts. She doesn’t say anything to me directly; it’s always through my husband I learn my ‘mistakes’. At least my father-in-law does not pull this kind of crap and whenever he likes something I cook, he praises me, which my mother-in-law doesn’t like. I have been married for slightly over a year, and already I am becoming paranoid. I keep trying to find hidden meanings in what my mother-in-law says to me.
My husband is a good person but very gullible. I love him and he also loves me a lot. He brings me gifts and flowers very often, and is very respectful towards my parents. He says I am a very good wife, but am immature, and should not take my mother-in-law’s criticism negatively. He doesn’t shout at me when he gets an earful from my saas about me; he just gives me long lectures about what a kind woman his mother is and how she wants me to be a perfect housewife.
I don’t know what to do. My husband does not want me to say a word about his mother, and when I tell him my side, my mother-in-law cries and says that I misunderstood her meaning. I am a highly educated person. Why should I put up with this behaviour? I don’t want to live with her anymore. However, my husband is her only son and obviously my husband cannot think of leaving his parents. So here I am, with my dilemma. Is there a solution?
Fed-up Capricorn
Dear Fed-up Capricorn,
You are, no doubt, having a tough time right now, but you should dwell more on things that are good. Your husband loves you, and obviously he is a caring person. How many men bring flowers and gifts for their wives after the honeymoon period is over? Some husbands even forget anniversaries and birthdays!
Your father-in-law also seems to be all right. So, you only need to deal with your mother-in-law diplomatically. You see, your mother-in-law does not exactly criticise you; she makes it sound as if she is concerned for you. You probably go on the defensive and become loud while explaining your side. Stop complaining about your mother-in-law to your husband. The next time it happens, just tell your husband that you have decided to take everything in a positive way. Then, when something happens, just tell him you are trying your best but something always happens, and you need more time to do things in a better way. This would save you from long lectures, and your husband would probably tell his mother that you are trying and she should give you some time to become perfect.
My dear, you have been married for just over a year, and the first couple of years - contrary to what most people think - can be tricky if you have a joint family system. So don’t become paranoid and look for hidden meanings. In fact, if that is what your mother-in-law wants you to do to make you feel bad, just act as if you haven’t understood the ‘hidden’ meaning. Also, you say you are highly educated; if you get a job, it would leave less time for such intrigues.
Having meals with your husband, though, is your right too. By taking their meals in their bedroom, maybe your parents-in-law want to ensure that your husband would not stop sharing meals with them now that he is married. Tell your husband that as part of family, you would also like to have your meals, even if it’s in their bedroom. I think he wouldn’t disagree and would probably be happy that you have accepted his parents as family.
Good luck!
Problems that need a solution?
You can e-mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34yahoo.com
Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I. Chundrigar Road, Karachi.