Letters

I am a 33-year-old woman, and I am in IT sector. I was engaged to my first cousin, D, for six years.....

By You Desk
November 12, 2019

Dear Nadine Khan,

I am a 33-year-old woman, and I am in IT sector. I was engaged to my first cousin, D, for six years. When I got engaged, I was 24 years old. It was a totally arranged thing and I was not emotionally involved with my fiance. My engagement was very long and my parents tried to talk to my fiance’s parents many times, but they wanted him to settle down first and marry off their two daughters as D is their eldest. They kept on saying ‘Ghar ki baat hai’ and told my father not to worry. However, after the death of my grandfather, due to property issues, my parents had a falling out with my uncle, and things became very ugly. My uncle asked my father to transfer his share in my grandfather’s property to my fiance. Since I am the only child of my parents, it was sort of understood that I would get what my parents have, but it seems my uncle did not want to wait and threatened to break my engagement. My father loves me a lot but he told me that he did not want to transfer anything in my fiance’s name. He had become suspicious of my uncle’s intentions. He asked me what I wanted and I told him his decision would be good for me, as I have complete faith in his judgement. My father still offered to transfer the property to me before the wedding, but my uncle accused him of not trusting his son-in-law to be. Well, my father broke the engagement, and has been trying to find another match for me for three years, without success. People are put off because my engagement lasted for six years! One proposal I got was from a man with two wives, and another was that of a sixty-year-old grandfather! I have known a guy, J, for four years, as he works with me. J is aware of what happened with me. He and his wife supported me emotionally and I trust them very much. J’s wife is into matchmaking and she arranged for me to meet a guy who is a widower, M. He is 40-year-old, well-off and very decent. He has a son by his previous marriage, and the only thing he asked me was if it would be a problem for me to look after him. My parents think he is a good person and I really like this guy, but I am worried if I will be able to be fair to his child. I don’t want to be a bad step-mother. I really am confused. What should I do?

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Confused Jasmine

Dear Confused Jasmine,

In this day and age, engagements break very often with no stigma attached to girls. Generally, people don’t take broken engagements so seriously but in our society an engagement broken after six years can make it very difficult for the girl to find a compatible match. Your parents are your well wishers and are mindful of the implications of your broken engagement and want you to have a happy life. They have been trying to settle you down and if they think M is a good person and you also like him, you should go for him. Your only hitch here is your concern whether you will be fair to the child or not. Your very concern for the child shows that you are a conscientious and sensitive person and will be good for the child. So if that is your only concern, you should accept the proposal. Especially, since the proposals you listed are not suitable at all. My dear, all step-mothers are not bad. Unfortunately, all fairy tales and other stories portray a step-mother as a monster, and make people wary of this relationship. However, if you treat the child with love, he will love you back. I am sure you will be a great step-mom because you are thinking about it even before agreeing to this marriage.

Best of luck!

Problems that need a solution? You can e mail

Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34yahoo.com

Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, ­c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News,

Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I. Chundrigar Road, Karachi.

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