Dear Professor,
I am a 31-year-old single working girl. I am earning extremely well, and am by no means a burden on my family. My parents, however, are desperately trying to marry me off. They say that girls my age in our family are already moms of two to three children and if I don’t marry in a few months, I will die an old maid. My father told me that in his lifetime, my brothers and sisters-in-law will be fine with me, but things would not be the same after his death, God forbid!
I have nothing against getting married but the thing is that there is something or the other wrong with every proposal that comes my way. There was this guy who was too tall, and then another one who is so serious that having a conversation was like having a tooth pulled out - simply torturous! Another guy was all right physically and had good communication skills but his degree was not that great. A couple of guys who came to see me I liked, but they did not propose unfortunately. So that’s my problem; I want to get married but to someone I think I can get along with and I also want to be able to respect my husband.
Don’t girls have the right to choose a guy they like? When a guy rejects me, my mother thinks nothing of it, but when I reject a guy I get lectures about my attitude! How fair is that? Am I the one who is wrong? Why are my parents so desperate? I am an independent person and don’t need any support from my brothers. In fact, one of them keeps borrowing from me! I just don’t want to get married for the sake of getting married. What should I do?
Rebellious Girl
Dear Rebellious Girl,
Getting good and suitable proposals for their daughters are parents’ nightmare nowadays. In the same way, the mothers of guys also are often heard complaining about not finding suitable matches. It’s just that expectations sometimes become unrealistic and because of this many girls and boys find it difficult to get hitched.
My dear, you have every right to reject a proposal you don’t like. Your religion and constitution give you that right and no one should take it away from you. However, you should keep in mind that guys also have the same right and in a society like us, it is guys who usually are in the position to call the shots, and this is in the context of arranged marriages. In a love marriage, the scenario is different and people are not bothered about status, looks, family backgrounds, etc.
One thing that both girls and guys should realise is that it’s not always possible to get all the things you desire in one person. So one must keep one’s expectations realistic and should be able to compromise if the situation calls for it. Your parents are worried because they care about you and want to see you happily married. The ideal solution would be to go for the guy who has a good character and is well-educated and more importantly he should have a good nature. Physical attributes seem important when looking for a match but in the long run it is the nature of a person that counts, whether it’s a girl or a man.
Try to understand your parents’ concerns and be realistic and reasonable in what you want in your husband. I hope you get what you want, but sometimes what we want is not always the best for us. Discuss your reservations with your parents and may be they will make you understand why they want you to accept a particular proposal. You are an educated and intelligent girl, so don’t let superficiality rule you. Go for what you can get. Best of luck!
Dear Nadine Khan,
I am a 60-year-old retired lecturer. I am a widow. My husband passed away when my sons were seven and nine years old. My mother-in-law was alive at that time, and she looked after my sons when I went to work. I started by teaching in a school. The pay was pretty less and I decided to do a Masters. After doing M.A. in English Literature, I started teaching English in a private college. My days were busy because after work I had to give time to my sons and look after the house chores, too. As my sons grew older, their expenses became more and I started giving tuitions to make extra money. But I never neglected my children; I devoted my entire life to them. I somehow managed to do a good job. One of my sons is a doctor and the other is a Chartered Accountant; both are doing extremely well, and they made me resign about eight years back.
My sons love me and take care of all my needs. They give me expensive presents, but I feel very lonely. They are so busy with their wives and children that they hardly spend time with me. We have breakfast before they go to work, and then when they return, sometimes they have tea with me and sometimes dinner. In the morning they rush to office and when they come they hardly spend an hour with me. They go out with their families, to visit their in-laws at weekends, and I stay alone at home. I go with them to weddings and other family events only. All my time after returning from work was for my children but they hardly have time for me!
I feel useless and it is so difficult to get through the day. What should I do? Please help!
Useless Old Mom
Dear Useless Old Mom,
An educated and brave woman like you can easily think and solve this problem, provided you ‘Think’ rationally. I think you feel useless because you worked extremely hard to bring up your children and led a busy life. Now you have plenty of time at hand, and nothing to do. My dear, you are not even very old, and can still do a lot to fill your days. Plan your days, dear. Spend time with grandchildren. You are an educated woman and can help your grandchildren with school work. Watch TV, or take interest in household activities. Are you into cooking? If yes, you can spend a couple of hours daily making food for your children. Once in a while, go out with your ex-colleagues. If you really want to make yourself busy, you can find a lot to do. So stop feeling blue and maintain a positive frame of mind. You just need to realise that once children get married their routines change. They have to work and when they come home they have to spend time with their wives and children too. Despite their busy routines your sons manage to spend time with you before they go to work and after they return. Think of that as ‘quality’ time; don’t quantify that time in terms of minutes and hours. Don’t begrudge the time your sons give to their wives. Their wives probably wait for the weekend to see their parents and it’s their right to go with their husbands and children.
I don’t know what type of relationship you have with your daughters-in-law. Since you have not criticised them, I take it you have good terms with them. Do you spend time with them? Do you talk to them as your family? You live with your sons, daughters-in-law and grandchildren, which is a great blessing. There are so many people who are alone once their children are married. So, my dear, count your blessings, thank God for the ease He has granted you after a tough life, and pray to Him to give you peace. Good luck!
Problems that need a solution? You can e-mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34yahoo.com
Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I. Chundrigar Road, Karachi.