Dear Professor,
I am a 20-year-old girl. Currently, I am doing BS from a good private university. This probably shows that my family believes in educating girls, and is really enlightened. Sorry to disappoint you, but this is not the whole truth. My parents believe in giving girls a good education, because in our community girls with a good degree get good proposals. My mother wants me to get married to my cousin who is 16 years my senior. I have always been sort of afraid of him because he is a very serious person, whereas I am very fun loving. Besides, I don’t have any feelings for him, but my parents are forcing me to marry him. I have said no very firmly, but they have made it very clear that I have no say in the matter. I am very distressed and upset. This cousin was briefly married to another girl of my family, but she died in childbirth. The baby also did not survive, so my parents think that it is not a problem. My parents want me to marry him because he is very rich, but I want to marry someone close to my age; so I can get along with him and understand him as well. I don’t want to disobey my parents and hurt them. I am also afraid of making God angry by disobeying my parents. I feel if I marry against their will, I will never be happy. Please give me a solution.
Distressed Damsel
Dear Distressed Damsel,
It’s unfortunate that parents educate their daughters, but expect them not to think and decide what they want for themselves. Another thing that your parents don’t seem to realise, that girls and boys nowadays want to marry someone close to their age. Previously, age difference was not deemed to be an obstacle provided the match was considered a good one. But even by that standard, 16 years is a big difference. Since you don’t love him the age difference should certainly be an important consideration. Speaking strictly from the Islamic point of view, parents cannot force their daughters to marry against their will. You should ask a trusted aunt or uncle close to your parents to help you out. My dear, your sentiments do you credit, but God has given you the right to select your own partner. As such, you need not fear that God will become angry with you for saying no to this marriage. And as thinking you will be unhappy if you marry against your parents’ wishes, you are not doing that exactly. You are only refusing a proposal that you don’t like, because you feel you would not be happy with him. Ask your parents to do istikhara, and you should also do it for yourself. But, please explain to your parents that you are still very young and are bound to get better proposals. So, instead of making a hasty decision that could ruin your happiness, they should wait for a better proposal. Best of luck!