SAM’S KITCHEN
Not by Julia Child, clearly
Disclaimer: The contents of this article are for entertainment purposes only. The author and magazine will not be responsible for the mess you make if you try any of these recipes, which, the writer assures you, are 100 percent inaccurate and result in the preparation of food that is completely inedible.
APPETIZERS
* Method:
- Turn on the oven. Notice that it isn’t working. Call the repairman. Wait for repairman to show up and fix the oven. Pay the repairman.
- Turn on the tap. See that the kitchen sink is blocked. Call the plumber. Wait for plumber to show up and fix the drain. Pay the plumber.
- Decide you’re tired and need a break. Turn on the computer. Discover that the computer isn’t working. Call tech support. Yes, it is plugged in. Yes, you tried restarting it. Yes, this isn’t an ID-Ten-T error. Wait for technician to show up and fix the computer. Pay the technician.
- Spend the next three hours looking for a website that says appetizers aren’t trendy anymore. Decide you love that website, and skip straight to the main course.
Puff pastry bites
- Ingredients:
- 1 cup flour
- 1 stick butter
- Chopped mixed vegetables
- 1 egg
- pack mozzarella cheese
- Salt
- Pepper
Quick nibbles
- Ingredients:
- 1 pack biscuits
- 1 pack crisps
- 1 pack peanuts
- 1 pack avocado dip
- Carrots
* Method:
- Go to the cupboard. Take out a packet of biscuits. Taste biscuit. Discover it’s stale. Throw out biscuits.
- Go back to the cupboard. Take out a packet of crisps. Try one. Gag. Ask who the hell was stupid enough to buy the chilli and beetroot flavour. Throw out crisps.
- Go to the drawer. Take out a packet of peanuts. Try one. Decide that they’re too tasty to share and keep them for yourself.
- Go to the fridge. Take out the avocado dip. Open lid. Gag from toxic fumes. Read label - NOT avocado dip; actually hummus ... mouldy hummus. Throw out dip.
- Go back to the fridge. Take out the carrots. Decide that just because there’s no dip doesn’t mean you can’t have dippers. Consider suggesting it’s an existential dip and all in the mind. Grin at smug, pretentious suggestion. Look at carrot. See that carrots aren’t meant to be that floppy. Throw out carrots.
- Remember reading on a website that appetizers aren’t trendy anymore. Recall that you loved that website. Skip straight to the main course. Eat another peanut.
Curry
- Ingredients:
- 1 cup lentils
- 1 medium onion chopped
- 1 sm ... ah, screw it!
MAIN COURSE
* Method:
- Go to your nearest dhaba and just buy a plate of daal. Where’s the sense in spending your time and energy cooking something that is readily available? Be smarter than that!
Meat pie
* Ingredients:
- 3.14159 kg boneless meat
- 3.14159 cups flour
- 3.14159 stick butter
- 3.14159 eggs
- g3.14159 teaspoon spices
- 3.14159 teaspoon salt
- 3.14159 teaspoon pepper
* Method:
- Take some veal. Stare at the veal. Think about where it came from. Realize this was once a baby cow. You can’t possibly eat a baby cow. Why did you even buy this in the first place? Put away the veal.
- Take some beef. Stare at the beef. Could this have been the baby cow’s mom? Or dad, you don’t know the gender. You can’t eat someone’s mom or dad. Put away the beef.
- Take some mutton. Stare at the mutton. Realize this was once a beautiful sheep or goat. Feel sad. Put away the mutton.
- Take some chicken meat. Stare at the chicken meat. Think of how cute chickens are. Put away the chicken meat.
- Feed the meats to the cat.
- Become a vegetarian.
Stir fried vegetables
- Ingredients:
- Vegetables
- Seasoning
* Method:
- Oh come on! The dish is called “stir fried vegetables”. You take vegetables and stir fry them. You need a recipe for that? Seriously?!
SIDES
Boiled rice
- Ingredients:
- 1 cup rice
- 1 cup water
* Method:
- Put some rice in a pan along with an equal amount of water.
- Go back to your room and start doing something else.
- When the smoke alarm goes off, you’ll know that the rice is done.
- Just take the unburnt rice from the top and serve.
Salad
- Ingredients:
- Lettuce
- Tomato
- Feta cheese
- Capsicum
- Cucumber
- Avocado
* Method:
- Chop the cheese into small pieces. Eat a few pieces of the cheese to get a good sense of its flavour.
- Now cut some cucumber. Try mixing it with some of the cheese you just chopped and see how you like the combination.
- Cut the tomatoes and capsicum. Add these to the remaining cheese, and see how your pallet feels about it.
- Cut the avocado. Eat.
- Finish the remaining cucumber.
- By now you’ll only be left with the lettuce. Chop the lettuce, put in a bowl, and serve.
DESSERTS
Cake
* Ingredients:
- 3 eggs
- 1/2 cup sugar
- 1 cup self-rising flour
- 1 stick butter
* Method:
- Gather all your family members in the kitchen.
- Find a nice, comfortable chair to sit on. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable.
- Ask your mom to whip together the eggs until fluffy, mix the butter and sugar, and then fold in the flour.
- Direct your little sister to grease a cake tin.
- Tell your brother to preheat the oven.
- Now pour the mixture your mom prepared into the pan your sister greased and stick it in the oven your brother preheated, and leave it to bake.
- After 30 minutes, ask if your dad could please take the cake out of the oven and place it on a rack to cool.
- Serve with buttercream along with a generous helping of self-compliments regarding your baking proficiencies.
Fruit Surprise
- Ingredients:
- Cherries
- Pineapple
- Peaches
- Strawberries
- Apples
* Method:
- Open a can of cherries.
- Open a can of pineapples.
- Open a can of peaches.
- Open a can of strawberries.
- Open a can of apples.
- Put all the fruit in a bowl. Now add a tin of peas for the surprise. Mix. Serve.
SNACKS
Potato cutlets
* Ingredients:
* You know, cutlets and stuff
* Method:
- Decide that you want to eat potato cutlets.
- Realize that you don’t have any cutlets. Run to the shop to get some frozen cutlets. Return.
- Realize that you don’t have any bread. Run to the shop to get some bread. Return.
- Realize that you don’t have ketchup. Run to the shop to get some ketchup. Return.
- Realize that you don’t have any mayonnaise. Run to the shop to get some mayonnaise. Return.
- Heat the cutlets, put each between two slices of bread with some ketchup and mayonnaise. Realize that you don’t have any soda...and one can’t possibly eat cutlets without soda. Run to the shop to get some soda. Return.
- Realize you’re super tired from all the running, and take a nap. Wake up. Decide the cutlets are now cold and you don’t feel like eating them anymore. Throw them out.
Macaroni and cheese
* Ingredients:
* 1 box mac and cheese
* Method:
- Buy a box of macaroni and cheese.
- Follow the instructions on the box. You’re smart enough for that, aren’t you? Good.
- Serve.
Pizza
* Ingredients:
- Flour
- Yeast
- Olive Oil
- Water
- Cheese and toppings
- Salt
* Method:
- Mix flour and yeast in a bowl with a pinch of salt, and then add oil and water.
- Knead the dough. Then put it back in the bowl and leave in a warm place for an hour.
- Roll out the dough, put in a pizza pan, add desired toppings, and place in preheated oven.
- Take out of the oven after about 20 minutes. The base will have become like wood and the toppings will have taken on the texture of rubber.
- Now get a hammer and chisel, and try to force the pizza out of the pan.
- When that fails, call the nearest pizza place and order a large pizza, preferably with extra cheese. Enjoy.
- By Sameen Amer