Not so immaculate
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”
The owner says, “How about a cat?”
The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”
The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.”
He gets the centipede home and says to it, “Clean the kitchen!”
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate!
All the dishes and silverware have been washed and dried, the counter-tops cleaned, and the appliances sparkling.
He’s absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room.
The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped, and the plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”
Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”
The centipede walks out the door.
10 minutes later… no centipede.
20 minutes later… no centipede.
30 minutes later… no centipede.
By this point, the man is wondering what’s going on.
The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later… still no centipede.
He can’t imagine what could have happened.
Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it… and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?”
The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”
The driver
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage, a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking and smoking marijuana before they wrecked?”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving,” motioned the monkey.