XWit
Kevin (kevtagion): I remember the ‘80s but can’t tell you what I had for lunch today.
Benny ‘Duke’ Rollins (citizenkawala): Some of my best decisions have been sandwiches.
Eden Dranger (Eden_Eats): My toxic trait is that I tell each dog I meet that they're the cutest dog I’ve ever seen.
Meghan (deloisivete): My kid woke up in the middle of the night because he was *checks notes* too tired to sleep.
Trey (treydayway): Not much is worse than waking up 45 mins before you're supposed to.
Not Today Eric (NotTodayEric): I just hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Stelynn (lifeofstelynn): Me: I’m not mad.
Also me: I hope you step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
ib (novapilgrim): If you have $0, you get welfare.
If you have $50 million, you get a bailout.
If you have $2,300 in savings, you qualify to fund the whole system and get lectured to budget better.
Doc Johnny Fever (NikiMarinis): I begin every job resume with “What I’m about to tell you may get us both killed.”
the heart (Fredward3948576): I tweet at a third grade level.
Natalie Would (_NatalieWould): Invite a polar bear to winter in your back yard because soon you'll be able to summer in his.
Dadman Walking (dadmann_walking): We’re all just trying to make it through the day. Snacks help.
THE CHAINSAW
A traveling chainsaw salesman visits a lumber camp and proceeds to tell everyone about the wonders of this newfangled saw. He says it can cut twenty trees in the time it takes to cut one now. The foreman of the camp talks him into leaving one for them to try it for a day.
The salesman goes back the next day to see how they liked it. The foreman tells him that it didn’t work very well and that they could still cut down more with the old method.
Puzzled, the salesman starts up the saw in front of the crew, and the foreman exclaims “what’s that noise??!”
“It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.” – Harry Hill