XWit
MisterD (MisterD78UK): Called a psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone asking “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Maddy (MadHatterMommy): “I’m definitely getting the hang of this” – me, not having the first clue about what I am doing.
Andrew Nadeau (TheAndrewNadeau): Me: I’m not great at Rorschach tests but this also looks like my parents fighting.
Eye doctor: Again, it’s just gonna be letters.
ScottW (jswtreeman): I give kazoos out to the kids of neighbors I don’t like on Halloween night.
Meghan (deloisivete): Hiding the Halloween candy somewhere my family will never look: the vegetable drawer in the fridge.
Hollie Harris (allholls): It’s funny how my husband and kids can never find an object they’re looking for that’s right out in the open, but somehow can always find the candy and snacks I hide.
Maddy (MadHatterMommy): People who exercise for fun, are you okay?
Jenna SaysQuoi (jennasaysquoi): Somehow simultaneously working hard and hardly working.
Forward March (RunOldMan): Most of my shoulder workout comes from shrugging when people ask me questions.
Neil Renic (NC_Renic): Teaching won’t make you rich or famous. But every so often you hear, “I disliked this course less than I thought I would” and it makes everything worthwhile.
A lawyer dies and somehow ends up in heaven. When he gets there, he’s greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, “What happened? I wasn’t in an accident and I’m too young to die. I’m only 52!”
“Nope, “ St. Peter says, “by our records, you are 84, and that’s a pretty good life.”
“84!” The lawyer yells. “How did you figure that?”
“We added up your client billing time sheets,” St. Peter responds.
“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.” – Bette Midler