XWit
Matty (bestestname): I just want to say we should not keep cats in bags.
Alice Mills (millsalice144): When I buy a pack of a dozen ribs, I only eat ribs 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11.
I prefer prime ribs.
Kevin (kevtagion): I’d get a raise if they knew how hard I worked at staying awake.
Fillmore Wilbury (RussRoth4): Where’s the food pyramid? ~ me visiting Egypt.
Maddy (MadHatterMommy): How many politicians would actually do any good work if they had to compulsorily keep the good work anonymous?
Sam Skoronski (SamSkoronski): I’m a prince among men. A Nigerian prince. And this is your lucky day.
Hollie Harris (allholls): I’m just a middle-aged mom, standing in front of a room, asking it what the hell I came in here for.
Meghan (deloisivete): Waved to the neighbor’s porch skeletons, so guess I will be scheduling that eye exam.
Nayele18 (nayele18maybe): Is it still a bad habit if you’re really good at it?
Nicki (AwkwardAndOdd): THE HORRORS PERSIST… oops, I mean, good morning!
Millie (Mill_Ann_Doh): Let's take all our broken pieces and make a kaleidoscope where only the prettiest light gets in.
A guy is working on a drilling rig. Every day, he notices a monkey sitting in a nearby tree, watching him intently.
One day, the driller steps away to take a break. When he comes back, he finds the monkey has climbed down and is operating the drill controls perfectly. This keeps happening every time he leaves his post.
The foreman sees this, walks up to the driller, and says, “If a monkey can do your job, we don't need you." And he fires him.
Six months later, the fired driller gets a phone call from the company. “Hey Ivan,” his old boss says, “we need you to come back. We have an open position for a driller.”
The driller is confused. "What about the monkey?” he asks. “I thought you had him doing the job.”
“Oh, we did,” the boss replies. “But he's been promoted to foreman. Now we need a driller again.”
“Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and make bad decisions.” – Marion G. Harmon