My parents want me to marry my cousin
Dear Guru,
I am a 25-year-old architect earning well. Despite that, my parents are pressuring me to accept the proposal of my paternal aunt’s son, T, who has not even completed high school. Unfortunately, I do not have many prospects within my family as most of my eligible cousins are already married, and in our family girls are not allowed to marry outside the family.
My parents think I should not worry about T’s lack of education as he works in his family business and is well settled. But I am worried because T is very narrow-minded and believes girls should not work but stay at home and manage household chores. It is not that I do not involve myself in house activities; I cook on weekends and help my mother when I am home, but I want to continue working and I want an educated life partner.
Having witnessed my mother’s struggles to keep my father and his family happy, I do not want to marry my aunt’s son. This aunt is still unpleasant with my mother. I have no reason to think that my aunt will treat me differently as she has always been mean and unkind to me.
I am at a stage where I feel it is crucial to focus on my career. I want a partner who will not hold me back. I wish to marry someone who is educated and enlightened for my peace of mind. However, my parents seem eager for me to marry T without fully understanding my perspective. They think if I refuse his proposal, my younger sister will not get a proposal from within the family. I want to tell them that I am still very young and should be allowed to choose my life partner according to my values. Is it too much to want an educated man?
How should I convince my parents? If I cannot, should I marry someone who is interested in me? R is a colleague and a good person. I told my mother about him but she refused to consider him as he is not from our family. I do not love him, but I respect him. Still, if I marry him, my parents will probably never speak to me again.
Troubled Girl
Dear Troubled Girl,
Your concerns are valid. Marriage is a serious, lifelong decision and settling for someone you know is not right for you could cause regret and a lot of heartbreak later. Continue to try explaining your wishes calmly but firmly. Explain to your parents that you value their guidance but also wish to have a marriage based on mutual respect, understanding and compatibility. Suggest involving a family member your parents trust to discuss the issue if you think this will help your case.
In our society, a girl who marries without her parents’ consent often faces many problems. Relatives and neighbours taunt her, and even friends and colleagues may question her choices. Without parental support, such a marriage can feel isolating, as family gatherings, celebrations and even ordinary visits may cease or become uncomfortable.
If your parents remain firm, avoid rushing into marriage with your colleague until you are certain of your welcome in his family. You must be prepared for the possibility that your parents and other family members will cut you off. So, before taking such a step, you should meet his parents and siblings. Make sure his family is fully on board, understands your position, and knows why your parents are against the match. This way you will have some support system to fall back on if tensions escalate.
Choosing peace of mind and self-respect now will protect you in the long run, even if it causes temporary friction with your parents. Still, it is far better to marry with your parents’ blessing. Make every effort to convince them before deciding to marry your colleague, as their goodwill will make your married life more stable and happy.
Good luck
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