Midnight Cowboy (cowboyjeffkent0: I wish I could’ve retired young like my metabolism.
Matty (bestestname): Me: I hope I look ok.
My hair: NO.
Late to the party Laura (ericamorecambe): Managed to fall over my husband’s car that I’d literally just got out of, if you want to feel better about yourself.
Nayele18 (nayele18maybe): If I was a bird, I am POSITIVE that I would fly headfirst into a window.
Forward March (RunOldMan): I'm like a semicolon, most people don't know what to do with me.
Lottie-pop (Lottie_Poppie): And for my next trick I’ll get distracted mid conversation and forget to reply to your message for a week.
Court (tropicaIghost): Not really loving the vibe my check engine light is bringing to my dashboard.
Erika (yeeeerika): Life's too short to say no to banana bread.
Meghan (deloisivete): I love you, but please get out of the kitchen - a memoir
Jesse Case (jessecase): It's one of those Twitter days where you bring along your DSM-5 and a highlighter.
A rich man is dying and makes a request of his wife. “Honey,” he says, “I want you to go to the bank and withdraw everything from my checking and saving accounts. All $5 million. Then take the cash, put it in a sack, and put it in the attic.”
The wife is puzzled and asks, “Why do you want me to do that?”
The husband replies, "Honey, I've only got a few months left on this planet. I want the money in the attic so that when my time comes and I pass on, I can take all that money to heaven with me and be happy for all eternity."
The wife thinks this is odd, but she does as he asks.
A few months later, the man dies. His wife mourns him, and after a few years as a widow, she gets curious. She climbs up into the attic just for kicks to see if the money is still there. She gets up there, and it is. She sighs and says, “I knew I should've put it in the basement.”
“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” – Timothy Leary