COMIC RELIEF
* Abby Heugel (AbbyHasIssues): Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I'm using what's left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.
* Sunshine Jarboly (SunshineJarboly): I begin every job resume with ‘I’ve already put both our lives in danger’.
* Erika (yeeeerika): Sending emails without exclamation points so they know my joie de vivre died.
* Meghan (deloisivete): It’s not the heat that’ll get you, it’s the me complaining about the heat.
* Hollie Harris (allholls): The only bad part about both of my kids being back in school now is that I can't blame any lack in productivity or getting stuff done on them anymore.
* Natalie Would (_NatalieWould): I've never heard a meow I disagreed with.
* Mr.Carter (dexteristwisted): Me: What can possibly go wrong??
Anxiety: Glad you asked.
* Forward March (RunOldMan): When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand . . . call your therapist.
* Robert Bonnett (RoBonnett79): Used to dream of writing a great novel. Now I’d settle for writing a good tweet.
A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.
The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in.
When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?"
"No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?"
"Well, he asked for a juice box," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said 'you're thin and you're beautiful.'"
“A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” – Mark Twain