XWit
* RunwayDan (RunwayDan): My apologies, sir, but you did call it a yard sale. Now how much for the azaleas I just dug up?
* NurseBrianRN (rn_murse): I think it was Descartes who famously said, “to be human is to select all the pics with crosswalks in them.”
* Neil Renic (NC_Renic): Don’t send a work email when angry. Take a breather, have a drink, talk about why you’re annoyed, work yourself into a proper fury, and then send it.
* Robert Knop (FatherWithTwins): Parenting is letting your teenager make fried chicken for dinner knowing there’s a 90% chance you’re gonna get salmonella.
* Keara Sullivan (superkeara): When a restaurant doesn’t post its menu online it’s like… I didn’t want it to come to this but you’ve forced my hand *clicks blurry yelp review menu photos*
* Sam Skoronski (SamSkoronski): The movie was originally titled How to Train Your Cat, but they decided dragon taming would be more realistic.
* Benny Boy (Camel_Crushin): If we can’t be ridiculous together then I don’t want it.
* Toby (tobestewart): Not only am I depressed, I’m right.
Laugh Lines
The dinner
A man and his wife decided to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by going out to dinner at an expensive restaurant.
After wishing each other ‘Happy Anniversary’, they ordered their food, and when it arrived, the husband said to his wife, “The food looks great! Let’s eat!”
His wife quickly reminded him, “Honey, we always say a prayer at home before dinner!”
Her husband replied, “That’s at home, darling – in this place the chef can actually cook!”
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” – Stephen Hawking