Xwit
* Bob Phillips (BobTheSuit): Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
* Neil Renic (NC_Renic): Pre-PhD: Clueless
Post-PhD: Dr Clueless
* Loky (lokymann): People who leave clothing reviews with their height, weight, and size ordered are going to heaven.
* Kristen (Kica333): Sorry I can’t go out tonight I have to go home from work and do nothing.
* Claudia (ccanton2): Coffee and more coffee is a perfect combo.
* Natalie Would (_NatalieWould): Most of your dreams won't come true, but neither will your nightmares.
* Jeje (JestJeJe): We should just cancel April Fools this year. Ain’t no prank topping reality.
Laugh Lines
Taxiing down the tarmac, a plane abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What, exactly, was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant. “It took us a while to find a new pilot.”
A linguistics professor was lecturing in his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up: “Yeah, right!”
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” – Tom Snyder