Dear Nadine,
I am 19 years old and currently I am doing FSc. I am the only sister of three brothers. My mother is very fond of her sons and has never paid any attention to me. All my life I wanted my mother to guide me but that has not been the case. My mother even prefers other girls over me. I forgot to mention that I am slightly obese. My mother doesn’t trust me and I have been a victim of harassment since I was young and when it comes to self-confidence, I lack it greatly. To get rid of all these negative thoughts and emotions I started writing a diary. Unfortunately, my mother discovered it. She read everything and beat me up furiously. As I am the only girl in the house, I have been doing the household work since I was 13 and I nearly know how to do each and every household chore. My mother does not love me but she has facilitated me with everything, but I can’t remember the last time when my mother showed her love for me. Well, other than this, I came across a guy, X, on Facebook last year and fell in love with him. Many times I thought of committing suicide but he stopped me every time. Nadine, I belong to a conservative family; hence, I have never met him. He wants to ask my parents respectfully for my hand. X’s mother is really nice and knows about me. I have even talked to her but the issue is that X needs five to six years to settle down and become financially independent. He wants a break-up because he fears that my parents would reject him because he isn’t established yet. He is the only person who has made me feel alive and I don’t want him to leave me. On the other hand, I can’t bear my mother’s harsh attitude. I am in a dilemma and I think either I should run away or commit suicide. Please suggest me how to cope up with the current situation.
Desperate Girl
Dear Desperate Girl,
You are a sensible girl and have so far coped with your circumstances with patience and courage. Don’t lose heart now because the worst is really over for you. You see, the most difficult time for you was when you were younger and immature. Now that you understand things better, you can deal with your situation and focus on your future life. First of all, some women spoil their sons but think they need to be extra strict with their daughters in order to prepare them for the life after marriage. So you were spot on when you said that facilitating you in every way was your mother’s way of showing that she cares. Otherwise, she would have thought it a sheer waste of time and resources. But due to her indulgence, you are good at holding household at such a young age. Now you are a grown-up girl and can try to befriend your mother. Start talking with her about things that interest her, even if it is matters pertaining to your brothers. In time, she will become used to talking to you like a friend and an adult. Stop comparing yourself with your mother’s friend and her daughter. For your information, people show their better side to those who are not family because within a family there is no pretence. Your mother reacted badly after reading your diary probably because she was hurt and angry that you doubted her love and disliked her friend.
About X, try not to depend on him because he wants to break-up with you. The excuse that he needs five to six years is not even a good one. You are only 19 and you also need almost the same number of years to complete your studies. It was nice of him to give you moral support, though. If you want to try your luck, tell him that you can easily wait for five years. If he cares about you, he will ask his mother to speak to yours. If he doesn’t do it, you must move on, too. Try to focus on your studies and keep a positive frame of mind to help combat your suicidal tendencies. Life is a precious gift of God and just get rid of negativity and you will be fine. Good luck!
Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34yahoo.com
Note: If you feel you need someone to talk to when you are alone, to share a problem with, or just to get something that has upset or disturbed you off your chest, share it with us. Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I Chundrigar Road, Karachi.