* Jesse Tyler Ferguson (he/him/his) (jessetyler):
If you are a new parent and are nervous, don’t worry, there are millions of people on social media who love to tell you what to do and what you might already be doing wrong! You’ll be fine!
* Ben Schwartz (rejectedjokes):
I am 38 years old and still terrified every time I try to cut a bagel in half
* Kevin Durant (KDTrey5):
I’m watching the History channel in the club and I’m wondering how do these people kno what’s goin on on the sun..ain’t nobody ever been
* Cole M. Sprouse (colesprouse):
It’s all fun and games until Carrie Underwood digs her keys into the side of your pretty little souped up 4-wheel drive
A young man was putting himself through college as a waiter. When he gave one diner the bill, the diner asked, “What is the usual tip?”
“Well, this is my first day here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great,” the college student replied. “Is that so?” snorted the diner. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.” “Thanks!” replied the student. “I’ll put this in my school fund.” “What are you studying?” asked the diner. The student smiled and said, “Applied psychology.”
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”
“What’s the matter”? I asked.
“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”
“That’ll teach them!” I replied.