COMIC RELIEF
* The Volatile Mermaid (OhNoSheTwitnt): I just want what any girl wants for her birthday: flowers, bodily autonomy, a pack of trained she-wolves, and pockets in every dress and pair of pants.
* Michael Ian Black (michaelianblack): If Prigozhin invites me on his plane, I’m probably like, “You know what, Yevgeny, I’ve got this inner ear thing flaring up. So annoying. Ugh. You guys go without me.”
* Mark Hoppus (markhoppus): The problem was, if you had call waiting and someone called, the beep kicked the modem offline.
* Julius Sharpe (juliussharpe): I’m sure the rich men south of Richmond are all awesome though.
* Louis Virtel (louisvirtel): Just saw someone respond to a lightly misinformed post with a rational clarification and the original poster said, “Oh that makes sense.” I think I’ve waited 15 years to see this Twitter interaction and now I believe we can all leave.
Secret to a long marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’ Hadn’t gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
“I started to yell at her for her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said ‘That’s once.‘“
“If you make every game a life-and-death thing, you’re going to have problems. You’ll be dead a lot.” – Dean Smith