Dear Professor Nadine,
I am a 16-year-old girl and my life is full of problems. A year back my parents found out about my boyfriend and they took my phone away. They gave it back to me on the condition that I would not communicate with any guy whatsoever. I honoured their condition for some time but a few days back a guy messaged me. The thing is that the guy is my ex and he once tried to harm me by harassing my boyfriend and harming my house by breaking windows. He then asked me to send pictures and threatened to tell my parents or harm me further if I didn’t send him the sort of my pictures he wanted. I sent him those pictures - pictures that were not really decent. Now he’s pressuring me to meet him. He has said that if I don’t meet him alone he would send those pictures to my mother. I’m so confused and afraid! I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell my mother about this at all, and I am afraid to meet him. My parents would be very angry if I tell them. Please help me.
Frightened Girl
Dear Frightened Girl,
What you are going through is mainly due to things you did in defiance of your parents’ orders. You are young and it is understandable that this guy’s threats frightened you, but sending him the sort of pictures you have implied was not a sensible thing to do, and you shouldn’t have caved into the pressure that was exerted by this guy. Dear girl, you should have immediately gone to your parents at the indecent demand of your ex; your father would have known how to deal with this boy. After all, you know this guy and have his number, so locating his family wouldn’t have been a problem for your father. Anyway, that is something that cannot be undone and you have to rue the consequences. You have no option but to talk to your mother. Of course she would be angry with you; you have, after all, broken your parents’ trust, but at this time only your parents can help you. They will deal with the boy and see that he doesn’t bother you again. But you also must promise to mend your ways. You are only 16 and at this age you shouldn’t be in serious relationships at all. Good luck!
Dear Nadine,
I am a 28-year-old guy. I work in a multinational and am doing well as far as my career is concerned. Nadine, two years ago, I got married to my cousin, Sana, who is the daughter of my mother’s eldest sister. It was an arranged marriage and we all went happily to Quetta for the wedding ceremonies. The valima reception was held in Karachi and after that my wife and I settled into our new life happily. Sana and I had no problems and our relationship was really a very good one. About a year back, my wife made me the happiest man on earth by telling me I was to become a father soon. However, after a few days, she started feeling unwell and her morning sickness was too bad to behold. My khala came from Quetta to stay with us for a while, and then she asked if my wife could go to Quetta with her for a few days. We all agreed and Sana went with her mother to Quetta. She was supposed to stay there for two weeks at the end of which I went to my khala’s house to bring her back. Sana refused to return with me. She said she was feeling a lot better in Quetta and the climate of Karachi was not suiting her at all. She wanted to stay with her mom for the duration of pregnancy. Of course there was a fight, but Sana refused to budge and I returned without her. After that my mother also spoke to sister, but God knows what’s come over my wife, she remained stubborn and refused to come home. Now the baby girl is about three months old and still my wife is refusing to come. She says I must shift to Quetta, as the climate of Karachi is bad and would not suit our daughter. My khala is totally in her favor and is supporting her all the way. My khalu is a sensible man and he tried to reason with them, but without any success. I cannot get a job in Quetta, and my home is in Karachi. I am the only son of my parents and cannot leave them alone. Even if it were possible for me to get a job in Quetta, I wouldn’t have done it. I was actually thinking about divorce, because even though I am a married man, I have been living like a bachelor. Please tell me if there is any way I can solve this problem.
Annoyed Husband
Dear Annoyed Husband,
It seems your wife is under the influence of her mother, and she should be made to snap out of it. You had a good relationship with her before she went to Quetta with her mother, so it’s your aunt you need to focus on. You need to open and maintain a line of communication with your wife to negate whatever ill-advised stuff your aunt has been feeding her. Show her that you love her and your daughter and want them both in your life. Point out to her that before she conceived your baby, the weather of Karachi suited her all right, and during pregnancy women often experience nausea and other ailments which go away with time.
Try to find out what your aunt has against Sana returning with you. Try to talk with your uncle and see if he can help convince his daughter and wife. Thinking of divorce is rather pre-mature because now you have to think about your daughter also. Why don’t you ask your wife to come to Karachi for a visit with her parents so she can see if the weather of Karachi is inclement or salubrious for your daughter’s health? Tell her that you also want what is best for your daughter and would do nothing that could have adverse effect on her health. I hope your wife listens to reason and returns to you along with your daughter. Good luck!
Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34yahoo.com
Note: If you feel you need someone to talk to when you are alone, to share a problem with, or just to get something that has upset or disturbed you off your chest, share it with us. Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I Chundrigar Road, Karachi.