Dear Professor,
I am a 26-year-old working girl. When I graduated, my paternal aunt brought her son’s proposal for me, but I did not accept it because my mother and aunt have always had problems with each other. I had no problems with my cousin, F, but did not want further complications in my life after marriage. Then, I started working and after some time I got another proposal. When my aunt heard about it, she came again with F’s proposal and this time she did not take no for an answer. My father talked to me and pointed out that F is a decent and educated guy, and instead of accepting a proposal from an unknown family I should consider F. I understood his point of view and said yes. We got engaged and the wedding date has been set for July next year. The problem is that my fiancé resents the fact that I declined his proposal the first time. I tried to explain that I had nothing against him, and refused only because I did not want any tension between our families, and he sort of understood. He was fine for some time, but when he asked me to have lunch with him and I refused because I had too much work, he again became angry. He gets mad at small things. Once, my other aunt had invited us all, and after dinner F said he would drive me home. I said it would look awkward as the entire family would know, and said we could plan something on the weekend, but he refused and accused me of playing with his emotions. Then his sister called me and asked me why I was giving F such a tough time! Nadine, he has also stood me up a couple of times after inviting me to lunch and high-tea because he unexpectedly got some work, but I did not make an issue because I understand the work related difficulties as I am a working girl, but he expects me to leave everything when he asks me. During our last argument, he accused me of not wanting to marry him and said he was thinking about breaking our engagement. This whole thing has been stressing me out and I feel anxious all the time. What should I do?
Frustrated Capricorn
Dear Frustrated Capricorn,
It seems that your fiancé is very touchy about this relationship because you had initially rejected his proposal. You hurt his ego unintentionally when you did not go out with him due to work pressure. Had you accepted his offer to drive you home, it could have assuaged his anger but you suggested making another plan soon, which probably gave him the impression that you do not give him any importance. You have been very accommodating about his difficulties, and he should do the same, but unfortunately most men do not think that way. They feel that the woman should make compromises because their jobs and problems are more important. It seems your fiancé took your genuine problem as an affront. It was not right of him to discuss you with his sister and the reticence on your in-laws’ part shows that he has been saying negative stuff about you. My dear, you need to talk to him and sort out things in a reasonable way. You have admitted that for a while things were fine, but got worse when you couldn’t go out with him.
Sometimes, things become murky because of a gap in communication. He feels that you don’t love him, and that is why he has been behaving in this manner. The other things that you mentioned are not really important and should be left to your parents. It does not pay to make an issue of whether the marriage functions should be segregated or not. Leave such problems for your parents. You have to thrash out your personal problems because unless everything becomes clear, you will remain under great stress. So, without wasting more time, ask him what he wants. If he wants reassurance that you want to marry him, you must do your best to remove any misunderstanding that he may have. It is your relationship that you need to improve, and since he feels you are ‘demanding’ you must talk to him and make him understand your problems. Listen to him as well, it is possible that he also has problems with you, or else he wouldn’t have called you demanding.
However, if he has decided to break up with you, he should let you know that, too, without prolonging the stress that you are under. Just talk to him nicely, and tell him to make up his mind. Good luck!